Winning The Heart of Your Child

This blog has been silent for over a year. Sometimes writing helps process life. Sometimes life can't be processed in words. I do know that cancer changed the trajectory of my life forever. Just as disability did before cancer. Just as adoption did before disability.  Just as infertility did before adoption. Life happens in the blink of an eye.

In the blink of an eye, Boy Wonder entered high school and Rockstar Kid became a teen.  At 5, I was their world. They wouldn't dream of heading into school at morning drop off without a hug, a kiss, a verbal "I love you mom".  Now as teens, they barely acknowledge I'm in the car. And it would be their worst nightmare if drop off included a hug or a kiss on the cheek.

What happened to my little boys? I blinked and they are tweens, growing into teens, heading for manhood. Hormones have taken over their bodies...I often wonder, do I still have their hearts?

Over the years, I've read so many parenting books: books on discipline, books on scheduling, books on emotions, books for neuro-typical kids, books for children with trauma, books for a child on the spectrum, books for strong-willed boys. Every book had its niche, and I could glean one or two things from each book, but needed to toss the rest of the chapters because it didn't fit my child.  Then puberty hit and, wow!, did I feel hopeless and confused with parenting.  What do I read for the strong-willed, hyperactive, hormone-engulfed, I-love-you-just-kidding-I-hate-you-emotionally-charged, adventurous, I-want-independence, I-need-you, phase of my boys life?

Big sigh.  Lots of prayers. Lots of do-overs. Enter Mike & Kristen Berry. Cue the music. Carve out a moment of your day because Winning The Heart of Your Child is going to be released February 5, 2019, and I was given a pre-release copy to read and review.

Pour yourself a drink, find a quiet spot, and dig into this book.
Whatever season of life you are in...childhood, tween, teen...this book is one you'll turn to over and over. It's practical. It's straightforward. It's honest.

Whether your child is typical or on the spectrum, biological or adopted, boy or girl, you will find encouragement and wisdom from an author who's been there/done that. This is practical, smart parenting.

The first portion of the book is about The Great Misunderstanding in parenting.  For me, this provided real insight into why my reactions and my approaches haven't worked. And boy did it hit home!

The second portion of the book is Parenting for the Win, with 9 keys to building a lifelong relationship with my kids. Nine ways you can begin or continue to connect with your kids or teens.  Let's just say that I underlined so many points in these chapters, you're going to want to get the book!

The final portion of the book is Moving Forward. It's where you get practical and daily. It's the part I'll need to write about later, because, honestly, I'm still moving forward. My little boys are growing young men. They don't need me, but they desperately need me. They don't want to talk, but they want me to listen. They don't want me involved, but they want to know I care.

My biggest critique of the book....Key 5: stay involved with your child..." be ready to set aside what you are doing when your children want to talk".  Whaaaa! but I just want to keep reading this chapter of this book.  I'm supposed to put what I read into action, so I take a deep breath and close the book and make eye contact and I listen.

Now it's your turn.
Go to this website to grab your own copy of the book:  http://www.winningtheheartbook.com/
If you pre-order from the website before Feb 5 you will receive :
    Access to Exclusive Winning The Heart Book VIP Facebook Group
    A Special 3-Part Video Series on Understanding Your Influence
    A Downloadable PDF Library Of Extra Content
    An Entire Library Of Colorful Images for Your Phone, Tablet, or Computer
    A Special 3-Part Audio Series on Parenting On Purpose
    A 16-Week Facebook Video Study Series


(*Here's where I need to disclose that I did receive a complimentary copy of this book, in exchange for writing a review. The opinions about the book are 100% my own. I also do NOT receive any compensation when you click on the links and/or purchase a book. I'm recommending it because I actually really like the book.)

What if December Looked Different This Year?

This Christmas our family is learning to give, and, well, I’m a bit embarrassed to confess,  it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I’m a little more OCD than I'd like to admit, I’m a bit more impatience than I thought I was, and I actually like all my worldly American comforts.

You see, this Christmas, my husband and I decided we are not giving each other gifts, and our kids are each getting 1 gift and 1 adventure date coupon. Instead, we are opening our home to a teenager who is an Eastern European orphan, “N” (her name and location are being withheld for privacy & safety reasons).  We are partnering with Project 143 to give orphans hope.

In the past we've gone to other parts of the world, this time we are bringing the world to us.  We've come to recognize even though our hearts stir us to go into all the world and share the good news of Jesus, our family dynamic is such that we just can't. We already have a child who has a disability requiring adult supervision at all times. Taking him into places with unfamiliar smells, where he is on sensory overload, and can't find a quiet room full of Legos, is too much for him (and me!).

Here’s the thing: my excited, motherly heart tells me to splurge on N this Christmas. I want there to be stacks of presents for her under the tree; I want to take N on a shopping spree at Nordstrom; I want to give her a Pottery Barn bedroom; I want to have a day away at Spa W being pampered from head to toe; I want her to spend a day wandering Powell's Books and buying everything that takes her fancy; I want her to go to school to have friends; I want to teach her to ski, to bike, to ride a horse, and I want her to put her toes in the ocean.

Then I stop myself and remember…all she really needs for Christmas is a family.

What she really needs is hugs every morning, prayers every night, grace throughout the day, boundaries and unconditional love. To know she is loved, and she is accepted. To know the Messiah came 2016 years ago and she can receive the free gift of salvation through Jesus Christ who loves her.  So we are going to do our best to meet those needs from Dec 20th to Jan 15th, and plant seeds of hope we know will continue throughout her life.

This song by Matthew West truly expresses what we hope to do this year: Give This Christmas Away.

PTSD: What do they truly remember?

My precious Boy Wonder was adopted when he was still a toddler. He was developmentally delayed and did not speak, neither English nor his native tongue. Over the past 8 years as we've dealt with many "irrational" fears, "annoying" behavior and downright frustrating moments, my husband and I have talked and wondered about what really happened to him in his orphanage. How much does he remember? What did they allow to happen to him physically and emotionally? Obviously, something happened.  Does he have PTSD? If so, it's never been diagnosed.

Our agency told us he was young and wouldn't remember his early years. Books told us to love him enough and he'd grow out of it being raised in our forever home. I've lost count of how many professionals we've seen, how many psychiatrists and psychologists have probed and prodded every nook and cranny of our life. We don't have answers. We may never have answers. But we don't want to give up hope.

A wise friend of mine wrote an incredible blog about PTSD and children.  I'm not going to attempt to elaborate or summarize it. I'm going to link you to her post: it is a MUST read. You can find wonderful resources on her blog Different Dream for my child. 

I discovered Key Ministry - which is an awesome resource for parents raising kids with special abilities - at the Accessibility Summit.  Key Ministry knows the value of Jolene's experience and she wrote this guest article on PTSD for their blog entitled: He Won't Remember: Children and PTSD. 

As 2014 draws to a close, I pray you will be encouraged to know that there are "Jolenes" and "Key Ministrys" out there to help you on your journey. You are not alone.

Take hope!