Thursday, February 21, 2013

Facing Our Fears

I am a good mother. I know I am. I may not be perfect, but I am a lioness where my cubs are concerned.

I can control what food goes into my shopping cart and therefore, what food goes into my childs body.

I can decide to which friends house I allow them go for play-dates, thus controlling what they are exposed to.

I choose whether or not to wake them early on a Sunday morning for church, thus I control whether or not they are influenced for good or evil.

I can choose whether to turn on or off the tv, the Wii and the iPod: thereby I control what type of media influences they are bombarded with.

I can choose whether or not to spend money at the movie theatre, so I control what their minds are exposed to at any given age.

I can choose to allow them to sleep in or to wake them a few minutes earlier to give us time to open Gods word at breakfast and learn without hurry together.

I choose school options of public, private or homeschool, and I can control what kind of education my children are given.

What I can’t control is their future.  

As a parent of a child with disabilities… that can be a very frightening thought.

After all, I am his advocate, his lifeline, the one who “gets him” without him having to explain, the one who is often able to predict how he is going to act/behave in a situation.

Which only leads to another terrifying thought:  What will happen to him if something happens to me?

Although I have walked in a relationship with Jesus Christ the past 30 years, my faith is tested in new ways each morning I awake to parent this amazing boy with needs so different that mine.  And so it is there, in those quiet hours before dawn as I pour out my fears and read Psalm 139 that God speaks to me in a gentle whisper:  “I created this baby boy. I took care of this precious little one in a womb where he was not wanted. I carried him safely from a sterile hospital to a cold, dark, dirty orphanage. I had my angels surrounding him for two years before I placed him in your care. Do not think for one moment that I will ever leave him. I will never forsake him. I will continue to provide for him whether or not you can.”

And with those words so eloquently penned by the Psalmist, the fears that attempt to strangle me are pushed back into the dark caverns from which they came and I am able to face another day of raising this special child.

Psalm 139… Good News Translation (GNT)

You created every part of me;
    you put me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because you are to be feared;
    all you do is strange and wonderful.
    I know it with all my heart.
When my bones were being formed,
    carefully put together in my mother's womb,
when I was growing there in secret,
    you knew that I was there—
      you saw me before I was born.
The days allotted to me
    had all been recorded in your book,
    before any of them ever began.