Monday, February 6, 2012

I Don't Ask For These Days

I read in James in the morning “if any of you lack wisdom let him ask of God who gives generously and without reproach…”

I prayed for wisdom in the morning.
I prayed that I would be generous and without reproach toward my son today.

I didn’t know in the early morning quiet how desperately I would need that prayer by the afternoon.

It’s raining again today. All day.  A wet, cold, slushy miserable rain; my sons body cannot handle a change in barometric pressure.  The more miserable and penetrating the rain, the more miserable my son seems to be.  Today was such a day for him at school.  Such an afternoon at home.

He is in the quiet room, working on writing…and not at all quietly. 
His face is red and blotchy and tear-stained. His nose dripping faster than the tears. 
He is telling himself angrily “I can’t do it” and repeating “what? what? what?.  I can’t write”.

At school he refused to go to reading group and refused to write.
I have him writing sentences while I clean the floors and now sit to journal my prayers.

I have held him quietly.
I have prayed with him.
I have rocked him.
Now he must face his consequence: refusing to work at school means missing out on play time at home and finishing the school work, plus writing more sentences.  Correctly. Not angry and sloppy.

I know he can do it. I know is able.
His first sentences are perfect and prove his ability. He thinks his consequence is done with two sentences.
I tell him he has two more to write. His next sentences show his anger.

It has been over 45 minutes of him sobbing and crying.
I hold him again to calm him. I leave him to write.
I sit in my office. My own heart is sobbing, my face is tear stained as well.
I sit. Praying. Crying. Journaling.
At times like these it is all I can do to cling to scripture.

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