Excerpts from my journal this past month:
August 8, 2017
There is much fear and anxiety flooding my emotions. It's been years and years and years since I've felt so attacked by fear
and anxiety. Years since I've needed medication to calm my anxious spirit. Mind-encompassing, breath-stealing, cold sweat, heart
pounding anxiety. I feel so weak and unable to handle this so I began
writing in my journal, positive truths that remind me that the power is
not in me but in my Creator. The words of this song fill my mind:
My life is in your hands,
Oh, Lord I want it to be there
My hopes, my dreams and all my plans
I trust entirely to your care
My life is in your hands
What better place for it to be
The one who sees beyond today
Must know whats best for you & me.
(credit Chuck Giard)
August 9, 2017
I had to take a xanax to sleep last night, but I woke this morning with these words ringing my head:
God is too wise to mistaken
God is too good to be unkind
So when you don't understand
When you don't see His plan
When you can't trace His hand
Trust His heart.
(credit Babbie Mason)
August 12, 2017
Overwhelmed with so many anxious thoughts, trying to breathe deep and not let fear reign. Another song came to mind:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases
His mercies never come to an end
They are new every morning
New every morning
Great is Thy faithfulness O Lord
Great is Thy faithfulness.
August 14, 2017
As it sinks in that this really, truly does look like cancer, the fear gnaws at my mind.
It's my children that bring me to tears:
Will my children believe God is good when I tell them I have cancer?
Will they run to a heavenly Father when they've already lost a biological mother?
How much fear will envelope their already fragile, traumatized hearts?
How can I be strong for them when I feel so weak?
God, be real to them.